Thirty Two
I miss you.
I’ve graduated from high school.
I’ve graduated from college.
I’ve been hired.
I’ve been fired.
I’ve won awards and received recognition.
I’ve hated myself.
I’ve loved myself.
I became a wife.
I became a mother.
No matter what I’ve done, I’ve missed you through them all.
When my baby was born, I told him about you and cried.
I’ve missed you everyday for the past thirty two years.
I love you.
I miss you.
Made Up
Since having a baby and going back to work, it seems like time is the one thing I don’t have much of lately. Which means that there is very little “me” time. However, I still need time to relax and unwind, and take my mind off of things. One of the ways I’ve been doing this lately is by watching make up videos on YouTube.
I went from my basic Bare Mineralsroutine, to all of a sudden needing primer, concealer, highlighter, and setting spray. I’ve also discovered that I should have a skincare routine.
So, after lots of money spent, I have now incorporated the following into my routine
Skincare:
Ole Henriksen Banana Bright Eye Cream
Simple Micellar Cleansing Water
Philosophy Purity Made Simple Cleanser
Cetaphil Hydrating Eye Gel Cream
Burts Bees Brightening Skin Perfecting Serum
Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Moisturizer
Of the new skincare items I’ve added to my routine, I really love the Ole Henriksen Banana Bright Eye cream, Simple Micellar Cleansing Water, and Philosophy Cleanser. I noticed a difference the very first time I used them!
I’m using the Cetaphil Hydrating Eye Gel Cream & Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Moisturizer for the long game. I definitely need some help but I’ve been pretty lucky in the wrinkle department so I’m really using these products in the hopes that I don’t need to take any drastic measures in the future.
I bought the Burts Bees Brightening Skin Perfecting Serum after watching some YouTube videos talking about melasma. I didn’t know what it was but when Iooked it up, it perfectly described my skin. (According to the American Academy of Dermatology, melasma is a common skin problem. It causes brown to gray-brown patches, usually on the face.) I’ve had it for awhile, so I’m not sure if anything can help me now but I might as well go down fighting.
Make Up:
Wet ‘n Wild Photo Focus Concealer in Light Ivory
Maybelline Stay Fit Concealer in Light
Becca x Chrissy Teigen Glow Face Palette
Dominique Cosmetics Latte Palette
Jillian Dempsey Lid Tint in Glimmer
Anastasia Beverly Hills in Ebony
Loreal Colour Riche Shine Lipstick in Burnished Blush and Glossy Fawn
Cover Girl Katy Kat Gloss in Tabby Tease
Flower Beauty Seal the Deal Hydrating Setting Spray
Of the new makeup I purchased over the past few months, the only items I’m not totally sold on are the concealers. I’m not sure if they’re not the right concealers for me or if I need lower expectations for concealers but I’m not sure they’re worth the money. Luckily, they were less than $10 for both.
Everything else I’ve purchased I love, Love, LOVE. The glotion reminds me of the Revlon Skinlights I used until they discontinued it and brings me so much happiness. The Becca Chrissy Teigen palette is amazing! The Latte Palette has me practicing with eye make up. The lid tints are what I’ve been waiting my whole life for, as is the boy brow. They’re both so simple and so easy! The Anastasia brow wiz makes me feel like I can sculpt my eyebrows. I didn’t think I’d ever use lipstick again until I learned about the colour riche shine lipsticks. I love the Katy Kat gloss, and the Flower Setting spray helps keep my make up in tact longer than before I started using it.
What’s Next:
This is a list of things I’m contemplating for my next round or purchases:
Fenty Beauty Mini Lip & Face set
What are some of your favorite skincare and make up products?
Oh Baby…Packing for the hospital and getting ready for labor
Getting pregnant was the easy part; getting ready for the baby has been a bit more challenging.
Preparing to get ready for a new baby has proven to be overwhelming, at least for me. Especially as I was trying to determine what I needed to pack for the hospital. Not only did I not know what to expect, I didn’t know what I needed, both at the hospital and once I got home.
In the hopes that this may help someone else, here is what I went through and what I found to be useful.
Am I in labor?
My doctor had told me that I would know I was in labor because the contractions would be unlike anything I had ever felt before. This was true once I was at the hospital but prior to my water breaking, my early contractions just felt like the back pain I get with my menstrual cramps.
In fact the whole day I was in labor I had a bunch of underwhelming signs that could easily be chalked up to late pregnancy symptoms:
- Spotting – This happened early in the morning but I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I didn’t worry that much about it.
- Fatigue – I had just recently cut back on my 12-hour workdays and was wrapping up my last day at work. I was tired in general so being tired on the day I went into labor didn’t stand out.
- Constipation – This was common throughout my pregnancy but it was more bothersome than usual, however, I was getting bigger & more exhausted…everything was harder.
- Lower back pain – My back was killing me once I got home but it took me 3 hours to get home from work, so I assumed it was due to the long car ride.
After I was home and had been lying in bed for awhile, I called my doctor’s office to get an opinion on whether or not I should be worried. I was more concerned about possible complications than going into labor. The nurse wasn’t too concerned about my symptoms but said to call back if I started experiencing contractions or if my water broke.
About 2 hours later, my water broke. It came gushing out as if I was in a movie.
While we waited for our ride to the hospital (my husband had had a few drinks while working in the yard), we started getting our stuff together. Here is what I packed and used.
Are we there yet?
I live about an hour away from the hospital so there was some thought that went into what I needed on the car ride to the hospital.
Depends – Once my water broke, I never stopped leaking. I wore a pair after my water broke until my ride showed up. I put on a new pair for the drive to the hospital. (I also wore a pair on the car ride home from the hospital.)
Goodnites Disposable Bed Mats –I laid this down on the car seat & put a towel on top of it. (If I had leaked through the depends, I would have thrown out the towel & the pad.) If you have pee pads for pets, they would work just as well.
Is this the penthouse?
For my hospital stay, I read a lot about bringing my own robe and nightgown but for me, it was easier to wear the hospital gown. I was weak, tired, and trying to adjust to having a new baby. The last thing I wanted to do was try to change what I was wearing. Plus, with all of the nurse check ups and bleeding, the hospital gown was just easier. (I also wore the hospital undies. They are hideous but I was thankful for them.)
Cash – I brought quarters and one dollar bills just in case we needed anything from the vending machines.
Extension cord – The outlet wasn’t close for me to charge my phone so this was helpful so that I could stay connected to everyone while I was in the hospital.
Going home outfit – I packed maternity leggings, tank tops, and an oversized shirt. I figured layers were my best option so that I could dress depending on the weather and how I felt.
Nursing bras – I know nothing about nursing bras but had read that it’s good to have 3 – 1 that you’re wearing, 1 for back up, and 1 that is in the laundry. I found this 3 pack and they worked well for me.
Toiletries – I packed my typical toiletries but really only used my contact lens solution & toothbrush/toothpaste. It was nice to be able to clean up when I felt like it.
I did not need socks or slippers for walking around. I was only in the hospital for he required 24 hours and I spent the whole time resting or sleeping. My hospital also provided a bag with all the things they gave me, so packing an extra bag was unnecessary. If I had to do it all over again, I probably would have packed my baby’s going home outfit & blanket in my suitcase instead of packing his baby bag.
Where’s the nurse?
While I was happy to leave the hospital, I did miss having the nurse available at the touch of a button. Even though I was anxious to be alone with a newborn, I was definitely happy to be home. These are some of the things that made being home easier.
Depends – I wore Depends for about the first week I was home. It was one less thing for me to worry about.
Perineal Cold Pack – These were a lifesaver once I got back home since the hospital ice packs were no longer available.
Tucks Medicated Cooling Pads – These were another lifesaver. I kept the Tucks in one bathroom and the pads from the hospital in another bathroom.
Always Maxi Pads – After I stopped wearing depends, I moved on to maxi pads.
Always Panty Liners – After I stopped wearing maxi pads, I started using panty liners.
Nursing nightgown – I love this nightgown. It is perfect for middle of the night feedings. It’s also tight enough to provide some support so that I don’t need to wear my nursing bras at night.
Donut Cushion – I was thoroughly unprepared for the recovery & wish I would have had this sooner. I used my baby’s boppy until the donut arrived.
Where are the instructions?
It’s a joke everyone makes but it really would be helpful if there were instructions. Here are some things that I found useful for the baby once I was home.
Baby classes – I recommend signing up for as many classes as you can. I really enjoyed the breastfeeding and car seat classes. I ended up missing the child preparation class because I was in the hospital recovering from giving birth. (Probably a good idea to schedule classes prior to week 36).
Hooter Hider – This is great for breastfeeding in public or even at home when guests are over.
Baby Carrier – My baby does not sleep while in his car seat while I’m shopping so the baby carrier has been a lifesaver. My friend gave me this one, otherwise I probably would have bought an infant insert for my other baby carrier.
Since I’m breastfeeding, I am thankful to have had the Kiinde breast milk storage recommended by a friend. (I am currently working on pumping, but that’s another story.)
Newborn sized clothing & socks – My baby was almost 7.5 pounds at birth, so it was helpful to have newborn sized clothing. Even though he didn’t wear the newborn size very long (5-6 weeks), I’m thankful he had enough onesies, pajamas, and socks to get him through the early weeks.
Diaper Changing Station – Another recommendation from a friend, but I like having everything for changing a diaper all in one place.
Sensitive skin – Since I have sensitive skin, I have made the assumption that my baby also has sensitive skin and have used
Babyganics wipes & dry cleansing cloths for his diaper changes. Cosmetics Database has been a good resource for what ingredients are in products.
Baby Swing – I opted for a baby swing instead of a Mamaroo, mostly due to price, but I don’t regret my decision. The swing is great for rocking my baby when I am too tired to hold him and he’s tired enough to sleep but is fighting laying down in his bassinet or crib.
It Happened
I had wanted to,
and almost did,
but there was always something
holding me back.
Until last night.
I said it.
I told him, “I love you.”
And it wasn’t scary or hard to do.
It actually felt good.
So I said it again.
And felt even better.
Is It Love?
He said, “I love you.”
I said…nothing.
What I wanted to say was, “how do you know?”
When I think of love, I think of everlasting. Forever.
But life has taught me, and Dwight Yoakam has sang, that “forever is a promise no love can survive.”
So, I don’t think about love. I think about who I want to be with, who makes me happy.
And that is you. And I’ll be with you until you don’t want to be with me any more.
Unwanted
It wasn’t that long ago that
The thought of you brought
A flush to my cheeks and
Made my heart race.
Now the thought of you brings
Tears to my eyes and thoughts
Of unanswered texts and
Cancelled trips.
I know that when I was
With you, I was happy
But now I wonder if you
Ever felt the same.
Do our moments together
Mean less now that we’re
Not talking? Or can I still
Look back and smile?
What hurts the most isn’t
That we’re over, but that you
Just stopped wanting to see
Me and responding to me.
It took me awhile, but
Then I realized it wasn’t that
You were going through
A difficult time.
I was just unwanted.
In the End
I miss you.
I miss the way I felt when we were together.
What hurts now, is that our beginning is going to be left without an ending. The hardest part is not that we came to an end, but that we ended because you just pulled away.
Without a word.
I never got the chance to tell you that you broke my heart.
And that I still miss you.
And will be waiting for you, if you ever change your mind.
What They’re Saying
I watched the Oscars this year because Neil Patrick Harris was hosting. I didn’t see any of the movies nominated so I didn’t care one way or another who won. I wanted to be entertained, but I ended up being moved.
It’s 2015 and there is still a need for people to speak out for equality and acceptance. In what is supposed to be the leader of the free world, we are still struggling with these issues. We are not focused on solving problems like climate change and education; we are fighting for marriage equality and voter rights. Thankfully there are people who are willing to speak up, like these people did tonight.
Patricia Arquette: Best Supporting Actress, Boyhood
John Legend & Common: Performance, Glory
What Is Love?
As I was writing Christmas cards to my nephews, I was stuck trying to tell them why I loved them. Which then got me wondering, what is love?
I don’t love them for anything they do or don’t do. I don’t love them for the way they look or don’t look. I don’t even love them for what they believe in or don’t believe them. I love them simply because they are alive and I can’t imagine having to live without them. But how do I say that in a Christmas card?
Karma
With everything in the news, and all of the debates I’ve been having with friends, I was reminded about the ultimate justice: karma. It is the greatest equalizer when it comes to injustice.
And while karma may take care of past wrongs, a quote from the series finale of the Newsroom seemed relevant to the protests that are currently taking place, “We just decided to.” The movements may not help the people who have already lost their lives, but they just might help someone tomorrow.
So here’s to the players from the:
St Louis Rams: Davin Joseph, Stedman Bailey, Tavon Austin, Jared Cook, Chris Givens, and Kenny Britt
Cleveland Browns: Johnson Bademosi, Andrew Hawkins
Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James & Kyrie Irving
Detroit Lions: Reggie Bush
Knox College: Ariyana Smith
University of Maryland: Deon Long
Chicago Bulls: Derrick Rose
Brooklyn Nets
LA Lakers
Georgetown Hoyas
Here’s hoping that in 2015 we are able to turn the page and honor those who have unjustly lost their lives by holding those guilty accountable for their actions.
Maybe Next Time
One cop
One kid
One gun
One life lost
No indictment
No trial
No justice
No closure
Without due process we’re left with the questions of “why?” and “what if?”
The only answers we get are rumors and accusations
Maybe next time we will find the peace we’ve been lacking
Slow Turning 