Slow Turning

Like the song says, you can learn to live with love or without it

Posts Tagged ‘Love

It Happened

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I had wanted to,

and almost did,

but there was always something

holding me back.

Until last night.

I said it.

I told him, “I love you.”

And it wasn’t scary or hard to do.

It actually felt good.

So I said it again.

And felt even better.


Written by rachel

November 16, 2015 at 11:12 pm

Posted in Life

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Is It Love?

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He said, “I love you.”

I said…nothing.

What I wanted to say was, “how do you know?”

When I think of love, I think of everlasting. Forever.

But life has taught me, and Dwight Yoakam has sang, that “forever is a promise no love can survive.”

So, I don’t think about love. I think about who I want to be with, who makes me happy.

And that is you. And I’ll be with you until you don’t want to be with me any more.

Written by rachel

November 8, 2015 at 2:47 pm

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Chasing Love

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I’m not sure if I am impressed with the people who search for love in every face they meet, or if I feel sorry for them.

To believe in something so much and never give up is impressive. But is love so simple that it’s just a matter of looking hard enough for it? Do you have to see what love isn’t before you know what love is?

Maybe it’s the search for love that people fall in love with. They become addicted to the chases, the thrill of meeting someone new and anticipating the what-ifs. They crave the transformation of monotonous moments into exciting new experiences.

I wonder, though, if the chase ever starts to feel like a burden. To keep looking for love, all the while trying to force it with another new person.

And what happens to your heart every time you try to share its love with someone who isn’t “the one”? Does it make you better able to identify love or do you become numb to the process as a way to shield yourself from heartbreak?

What happens to love when you call something less than love, love?

Written by rachel

October 11, 2014 at 10:50 pm

Posted in Life, Ponderings

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Once In A Lifetime

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I never thought I’d be the girl who would want to hear sweet, loving words from a man.

I never thought I’d be the girl who wanted him near so that I could hold his hand and kiss his lips.

I never thought I’d be the girl who would smile when he said hello.

Yet here I am, after one chance meeting two months ago.

If I had been asked two months and one week ago who I wanted to meet, his name probably wouldn’t have crossed my lips. Nor would mine have crossed his. And yet, his name is the only one I have thought of since we met.

There isn’t a single trait or characteristic about him that I covet. More than anything else I just want to be next to him. I felt that way the instant I met him, and I still feel that way now. It is what I desire and long for. The closer I am to him, the happier I am.


Robin Williams

The most incredible thing to me about Robin Williams’ death is the reaction to it. From my friends, to random online posts, to comments by celebrities, I am struck by the common sentiment we have about losing him. It feels as though he was the same friend and influence on us all. That, more than anything else, I believe is a testament to the type entertainer he was. He knew how to pull us into his world.

It’s unfortunate that we could not pull him into ours so that he could see how much he meant to us.

#RIP Robin Williams. May peace be with you now.



Written by rachel

August 12, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Posted in Journal, Life, Ponderings

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What Is Love?

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In his song, Haddaway asks, “What is love?” before proclaiming, “Baby, don’t hurt me.”

An Act of True Love

A couple of weekends ago, I saw the movie Frozen.  I had heard it was great, but was unprepared for just how much I liked it.

What I liked best was that, unlike in other Disney movies, the act of true love wasn’t a male hero rescuing a damsel in distress.  It was sister saving sister.  It was modern, and sweet, and very touching.  The message was just as important for little boys as it is for little girls.

Unconditional Love

There are so many different kinds of love but as a general rule I have always believed that the love between a family is as close to unconditional love as it gets.  I was wrong.

Saturday started with a text from my sister-in-law that my nephew had come out to my brother and my brother’s reaction threatened to tear the family apart.  He was not open or accepting of this news from my nephew and my sister-in-law was preparing for the worst, which meant leaving my brother.  She wanted me to talk to him to see what I could do.

Except, I just couldn’t bring myself to call him.  I was devastated, mad, and ashamed. I did not want to believe that I could be related to someone who cared about sexual orientation, let alone could pass judgment on his son.  I didn’t know what I would say to him without making him mad, hurting him, and driving him farther away from where I wanted him to be.

My sister-in-law’s family had an intervention with my brother and things are ok, for now.  My brother still needs to talk to my nephew.  I’m hoping that he will call me after they talk, and that I will then know what to say.

Written by rachel

March 3, 2014 at 11:29 pm

Posted in Life

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In The Moment

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I often hear that I should try to live in the moment more. Be present in what’s going on, in what I’m doing.  But today I realized just how hard that is to do because I spend so much time preparing for what’s coming next.  And it’s not even the big things. It’s little things:

  • Preparing food for the week
  • Doing laundry so that I have clean clothes
  • Paying the electric bill so that I have light tomorrow
  • Planning the next vacation

The list, just like the chores, feels never ending and repetitive.  It also makes me feel like the greatest joy as an adult may be in the planning of what’s coming next.


In order to get ready for the upcoming season of 24: Live Another Day, I’ve been watching all of the previous seasons of 24.  So far, I’m almost through Season 3.  Until I started re-watching the show, I hadn’t realized just how much I missed it.  There are some great shows on the air right now, but nothing is quite like 24.


This upcoming May will mark the 26th year since my dad passed away.  Over the years, I’ve read many, many articles and books and internet postings on loss and grief.  This post, Being Motherless: Reflections After a Year, is probably the best thing I’ve read about loss. I wish I could have read it 25 years ago.  My favorite part:

My grief is made of irreparable loss…If I learned anything, it is that no one can be prepared for a major death, and time can’t fix everything. All time does is allow you to find a way to accommodate grief, like a sudden and permanent limp that doesn’t stop you completely but will forever alter the way you move through the world.”

Valentine’s Day

I love the online reaction of people to Valentine’s Day. Some love, some hate it, and some want everyone to just shut up about it.  I enjoy it since St. Valentine was the saint I choose for my confirmation.  And, while I never get too mushy in real life, it’s never a bad idea to express how much you care about someone else, regardless of what prompts you to act.

So in honor of such a lovely holiday, here are a couple of songs that I enjoyed listening to:

Written by rachel

February 16, 2014 at 11:39 pm

If I Could Turn Back Time

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In exactly one month, it will be 25 years since my dad passed away.  In the span of those 25 years, I think I’ve felt every emotion and physical pain you can when you lose your Superman.  I remember hurting so bad that I couldn’t breath.  My heart had been shredded with a dull knife and it slowly bled love and hope and dreams.  I didn’t think the pain would ever end.  And I was right.  But I was also wrong.  In other words, I’ve learned something along the way.

Time is the greatest bitch and best healer.

I suppose I could have said that time is a double-edged sword, but that doesn’t sound as good, does it?  Either way, it’s killed me that as time passes, I forget a little bit more about my dad.  I still have vivid memories.  But his voice isn’t as strong.  I remember what he told me, but I can’t hear it.  I remember being with him, but I don’t remember what he felt like, what he smelled like.  The only thing that hasn’t faded is how I felt when I was with him.  Maybe that’s all that matters.

This is the first year where I’ve really believed that I’ve healed with time.  I don’t miss him any less, but the pain isn’t raw like it used to be.  I no longer go into a depression and cry myself to sleep every night in the months leading up to May 4th.  I still hurt and I still cry, but I also find time to not do those things.

Heart broken, heart found.

I shut down so fiercely after my dad died, that I didn’t think I would ever embrace anyone with the same kind of love I had before.  Then I met my nephews.  I wrote about them in Rewarded, but what I didn’t mention was how they helped me find my heart again.  They proved to me that that I could love someone unconditionally just because they were alive.  I don’t know if it’s different when you hold your own child in your arms for the first time, but I can’t imagine ever experiencing a sweeter feeling.  Without those three boys, I’m not sure that I would have ever started healing.

Grief in 6

Everyone knows about denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  But what if about being lost?  More than anything else the one thing that I have constantly been since losing my dad is lost.  How do I know where I fit in, if I don’t have anywhere to belong?  The only times I haven’t felt unsettled are in the moments when I feel closest to him, like when I take walks in the rain or am out in the water.  I take a deep breath and pause for moment to remember what it was like to be his little girl.

“We’re going to miss Mom together, but don’t be scared.”

This is a line from a book called Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire.  It’s a book that I’ve been looking forward to reading, and I would definitely recommend it.  However, the prologue in it killed me and this is the line that pushed me over the edge and spurred me to write this.



Written by rachel

April 4, 2013 at 12:46 am