Slow Turning

Like the song says, you can learn to live with love or without it

If I Could Turn Back Time

with 4 comments

In exactly one month, it will be 25 years since my dad passed away.  In the span of those 25 years, I think I’ve felt every emotion and physical pain you can when you lose your Superman.  I remember hurting so bad that I couldn’t breath.  My heart had been shredded with a dull knife and it slowly bled love and hope and dreams.  I didn’t think the pain would ever end.  And I was right.  But I was also wrong.  In other words, I’ve learned something along the way.

Time is the greatest bitch and best healer.

I suppose I could have said that time is a double-edged sword, but that doesn’t sound as good, does it?  Either way, it’s killed me that as time passes, I forget a little bit more about my dad.  I still have vivid memories.  But his voice isn’t as strong.  I remember what he told me, but I can’t hear it.  I remember being with him, but I don’t remember what he felt like, what he smelled like.  The only thing that hasn’t faded is how I felt when I was with him.  Maybe that’s all that matters.

This is the first year where I’ve really believed that I’ve healed with time.  I don’t miss him any less, but the pain isn’t raw like it used to be.  I no longer go into a depression and cry myself to sleep every night in the months leading up to May 4th.  I still hurt and I still cry, but I also find time to not do those things.

Heart broken, heart found.

I shut down so fiercely after my dad died, that I didn’t think I would ever embrace anyone with the same kind of love I had before.  Then I met my nephews.  I wrote about them in Rewarded, but what I didn’t mention was how they helped me find my heart again.  They proved to me that that I could love someone unconditionally just because they were alive.  I don’t know if it’s different when you hold your own child in your arms for the first time, but I can’t imagine ever experiencing a sweeter feeling.  Without those three boys, I’m not sure that I would have ever started healing.

Grief in 6

Everyone knows about denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  But what if about being lost?  More than anything else the one thing that I have constantly been since losing my dad is lost.  How do I know where I fit in, if I don’t have anywhere to belong?  The only times I haven’t felt unsettled are in the moments when I feel closest to him, like when I take walks in the rain or am out in the water.  I take a deep breath and pause for moment to remember what it was like to be his little girl.

“We’re going to miss Mom together, but don’t be scared.”

This is a line from a book called Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire.  It’s a book that I’ve been looking forward to reading, and I would definitely recommend it.  However, the prologue in it killed me and this is the line that pushed me over the edge and spurred me to write this.

 

 

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Written by rachel

April 4, 2013 at 12:46 am

4 Responses

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  1. I’m so sorry, I it just seems like something people say but having recently lost a parent you described everything I feel

    meetmeattheboutique

    April 4, 2013 at 4:03 am

    • You are right. It’s something that roll off people’s tongues…and yet, sometimes they are the most heartfelt words you can say. Just know that I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

      rachel

      April 4, 2013 at 10:52 am

      • So true! Thank you so much, I never thought I could miss someone as much as I do

        meetmeattheboutique

        April 5, 2013 at 1:47 am

      • I understand completely.

        rachel

        April 6, 2013 at 10:41 am


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