Slow Turning

Like the song says, you can learn to live with love or without it

Who Am I?

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The Heat of the Moon: A Rachel Goddard Mystery by Sandra Parshall

The book is about Dr. Rachel Goddard who comes to learn that she is not who she thought she was.  In the end, after a search for answers that includes remembering past events and surviving new traumas, she is able to accept her current identity.  She knows she cannot change the past but she had to know what it was before she could let it go and embrace the present.

Upon finishing the book, I immediately asked myself (not for the first time) who am I?  Then I had another thought (for the first time), does it matter?

I’ve always thought that if I was able to define who I am, I’d be able to identify the life I want to lead.  Knowing who I am would give me sense of purpose, reassurance, and a path to blaze. So I created a list of what makes me, me.

I know that I am:

A dreamer.  I always have been.  I dream not only about the grass being greener, but also about me being better.  I don’t know what greener and better mean, but I still dream about them.  I also dream for the past and not losing what is known.

A believer.  I believe in the best in other people and in what’s to come.  If it isn’t the best, then it’s for a reason.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  And that that reason leads to today being better than yesterday and tomorrow being better than today.  My belief gives me hope.

Self-centered.  I really find it hard to think beyond myself and I cannot manufacture emotions I do not feel.  It’s why I like to live alone.  I don’t have to consider anyone else and what they want; it’s my space, my time, and only what I want.

An avoider.  My natural instinct is to not speak about pain and hurt.  Writing is how I express pain and doubt.  When someone asks the generic question how are you?  I answer not with fine, but good because good is better fine.  I say it because I want it to be true even when it is not.

A procrastinator.  I put off everything but there are still new things that I want to do and places I want to visit.  That leaves me with a long to-do list and few accomplishments.

Impatient.  I like to get to the point and do not like to drag things out.  I do not like to wait, for anything.  Anticipation does not excite me; it drives me crazy.

I am a lot of other things but this list describes me fairly well.  As I reviewed it, I wondered how much it mattered. I am not defined by a single description.  I am a composite of experience and emotions.  So when I ask myself, who am I, I can’t help but wonder if it matters.

I feel like it matters less today than it did yesterday.


Written by rachel

September 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

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