Slow Turning

Like the song says, you can learn to live with love or without it

Day 1: Juxtaposition

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jux·ta·po·si·tion

noun

1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

2. the state of being close together or side by side.

 

On my first attempt to get back into shape, I spent the duration of it thinking about how there can be two totally different views of the same event.  Then I realized that I am full of my own juxtapositions.

I like being around people.  Talking to them, helping them, laughing with them.  But at the same time, I am deeply afraid of them.  I see someone walking my way and I get nervous.  It’s not out of fear for my personal safety.  It’s a different kind of fear, maybe of rejection or torment.

I am a creature of habit and love consistency.  Yet, I hate the monotony of routine.  I get bored when there isn’t change and yet change is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

I am a daydreamer. I dream constantly about doing something different or living somewhere else.  Yet, I have no goals.  The last thing that I wanted to do and accomplished was twenty years ago and I’ve felt lost ever since without wanting to do something.

I don’t doubt that there’s anything I can’t do.  However, whenever I have to talk about what I do, I feel doubt.  I feel as though I’m being judged and am not measuring up, like I’m not good enough.

I believe in a work-life balance; all work and no play isn’t a life.  Yet, I have no boundaries and rarely stop working.  Even when I’m not working, I am thinking about work.   I think this has given me anxiety.

I love what I do and I love the people I work with, but I have been unhappy for well over a year in my job.  Yet, I have been fighting to keep it, believing that things would get better.  And even though the situation consistently worsened, I still wouldn’t accept it.

Now that I am where I am, I feel foolish, like a failure.  I felt something was wrong a year ago, and yet I did nothing.  It’s not even that I ignored the signs.  I just didn’t do anything.

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Written by rachel

August 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

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